Thursday, July 24, 2008

More crazy personal stuff than biz stuff lately

I've been so busy lately with what's going on in my life that I haven't had time to do any good stocking at the OTM. For example, I finally have health coverage again so I decided to catch up on all of those nagging little issues that have needed attention for some time. Wow, who'd have thunk that I was falling apart at 34??

In the last week it has been discovered that my diabetes is uncontrolled (big surprise there, doc). My A1C test was 10 - and should not be above 7 (non-diabetics will be even lower). What this means is that my blood glucose levels have been rampantly out of control for a prolonged period of time. Add to that the high blood pressure that developed during my last pregnancy and never went away, and suddenly I have the magic formula for diabetic-induced kidney disease. Yes, the test for that came back with bad news as well. I have evidence of early kidney disease. So I'm now taking medication my diabetes and my blood pressure, and have been instructed to eat a low protein diet and very carefully control my blood glucose levels in order to help my kidneys not work so hard (which will help slow the progression of the kidney disease).

To top all of that, I also found out this week that I've got the crazy. In huge, heaping helpings. Last monday I had a mental health assessment with a clinical psychologist, and the verdict is Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now, the first diagnosis is likely a product of genetics - my biological mother has Bipolar. However, the second two diagnoses can be traced back to my biological father abusing me.

This is a bit of a hard pill to swallow, because now he not only took away my innocence before I could fight back, but he has now had his hands on my entire life up to this point. His sickness caused my own sickness, and therefore impacted my own life long after he was sent to prison, as well as my children's lives through me. I know that I have to forgive him at some point, for my own sake, but right this minute I am so damned angry with him that I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, I'll be starting medications for the mental health issues as soon as I can be seen by a psychiatrist (they are backed up, it will be about 8 weeks). In the meantime, I will be starting a special type of group therapy designed specifically for those with BPD - dialectic behavioral therapy. It starts Monday and is a weekly thing. I'm so freaking anxious about it, but I'm sure it will be fine once I get in and meet the others in the group.

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